The Democratic People's Republic of Awesome
by ExtraPenguin
Summary: Prussia manages to get all the nations into a war game. Who are the terrorists, who the armymembers, and will the civilians dodge the bullet?
1. Introduction

This is the Alternate Project #2 till I can get my Brazil clone moving.

* * *

"We _never_ do anything fun at these meetings!" America exclaimed.

"These meetings are supposed to be _useful,_ not _fun_, you bloody git!"

"Can't they be both?"

After listening to the two argue heatedly for a few minutes, Prussia decided to grace them with his idea and stood up.

"The awesome me has a plan!"

"Shaddup, idiot!"

"Oh, ma cherie, shouldn't you at least give him a _chance_ to explain?"

"If it gets you to refer to me with the masculine gender, frog."

"Anyway", Prussia continued, "We're all pretty wound up, so why don't we all take a break? Not necessarily at some oceanside resort, but perhaps some kind of roleplay? Airsoft style?"

"Italy, please pinch me. My brother _can't_ have such a sensible idea."

"Hey, West, that's _such_ an unawesome thing to say about your big bro!"

"Anyway, git, what's the more specific plan?"

Prussia, being the awesome nation he was, had formulated one. "Sure. Now, everyone, listen carefully.

"You will all go to a region I have specially prepared in two weeks, with you only clothes and a toothbrush. Toothpaste is also allowed. You will receive your own room. An exception to this are the two 'terrorists' I'll select, who get to bring some weaponry of their choice with, deposited to me first. I'll contact them beforehand.

"On the first evening, the two 'terrorists' will receive their weapons bags, and everyone else will receive a letter telling them their role and a gun to go with it. The possible roles at this point are: Civilian, Blue Army member and Green Army member.

"You kill someone by shooting them. After your death, you report to me and help me run the place. The terrorists' aim is to kill civilians, a maximum of one every two days. The Blue and Green Armies' aim is to kill the other's members. The Civilians' aim is to catch the terrorists.

"After a certain amount of deaths, we'll move into phase two, in which the armies get uniforms and meet their members, then start warring. The terrorists try to kill as many people as they can, and the Civilians try not to get hit by stray bullets. I'll print more detailed instructions on the letters I'll be sending you."

"That actually sounds cool. Let's do it!"

"I actually agree with you for once."

"My brother's brainwork should be honored."

"I'll be happy as long as I get to shoot people."

"Ve~ Let's do it!"

Thus the nations signed themselves in to over a month's worth of tension.

I actually have a very good idea of how to continue this.

The reader will know who the terrorists etc are, it's a case of whether the characters can figure it out in time or not.


	2. Who We Are

I've had this ready & uploaded for, like, a week, but FF's been having problems, so...

I am terribly sorry, I had most of this fic plotted out in a notebook a couple months ago, but I appear to have misplaced it, either the notbook or the notes. (I have about ten billion notebooks.) On the plus side, I've discovered some three-year-old notes for alien civilizations. If I can't find my notes set #2, someone please remind me that it's in the green spiral-bound notebook that has a cover with the letter "w" on it and contains notes on some abandoned projects of mine.

Anyway, what follows is my attempt to salvage my notes.

Also, sorry for any OOCness.

* * *

Switzerland had finally finished stuffing a fraction of his gun collection into the small bag Prussia had provided. Idly, he wondered who his co-terrorist was and what he was packing. Hopefully not France or Spain or – God help him – Liechtenstein. He did not want his little sister to have to kill people, and felt torn between hoping her to get shot early (so as to miss the pain that later on would certainly bring) and hoping her survive to the end (so she wouldn't get shot).

…

"Veh, Doitsu, why are you crying?"

"I- I'm … happy. My brother has never come up with such a good idea before", Germany said as he dabbed his eyes with his handkerchief, waiting for Italy to start driving them to theie destination.

…

Pointless chitchat. Nervous giggles. An antsy atmosphere. Just like wartime.

Evening came. Time to (finally) go to one's room and receive the instructions. Hopefully some clothing, too, otherwise one would be feeling rather uncomfortable what with all the sweat being absorbed into them.

England had been sitting alone, yelling a bit at America every now and then when the git got too annoying. Now he was sitting on the bed of his allocated room, twiddling his thumbs. No shower, but there was a change of clothes in the closet – jeans and a plain gray t-shirt – acceptable, amazingly.

A thunk. England leaned over to pick up the package.

A letter attatched. He decided to read that first.

"Iggy!" England cringed at the form of address. "You are a … *cue drumroll* Member of ... the BLUE ARMY! Your mission is to: Hunt down and kill members of the Green Army. Your pistol has been provided. Further instructions will be provided at a later date."

The letter was signed "The Awesome Prussia, aka Gilbert Weilschmidt, His Imperial Awesomeness of the People's Democratic Republic of Awesomeness."

England groaned.

…

Lithuania opened his letter. "Liet! You are a *cue drumroll* CIVILIAN! Your mission is to: Gang up with the others to find the terrorists, then survive. Your pistol has been provided. Further instructions will be provided at a later date.

"The Awesome Prussia, aka Gilbert Weilschmidt, His Imperial Awesomeness of the People's Democratic Republic of Awesomeness."

Lithuania sighed, mentally regretting agreeing to this getting shot at business.

…

"As you know, Finsky, you're one-half of the terror duo. The other half is Switzerland. You shall meet at 22:00 on the roof and then go forth and kill Canada, I need him to run the treasury. After this strike, you shall be free to pick your targets yourselves. Good luck."

…

Finland had dragged his whole weapons bag up to the roof five minutes early, and was now waiting for Switzerland to turn up.

"Sorry, I had to sic Liechtenstein onto Hungary under the guise of having a headache", Switzerland said when he turned up at five past.

"No problem. I say we first see our inventory, then decide how to kill Canada, if that's okay with you."

"Yes, dammit, you don't need to ask my permission to do the sane thing!"

"We _are_ a team, you know. Anyway, I have some Molotov cocktails, my Sako TRG-42 sniper rifle, my Tikka T3 Tactical rifle, a Rynnäkkökivääri 62, some handguns and a grenade. You?"

"My three Sturmgewehr 550s, a shotgun, an optical sights, a flamethrower and a Molotov cocktail."

"You use optical sights?"

"When I have to snipe, yes."

"..."

"You don't need sights?"

"Well, if the time when I shot a Soviet soldier from a kilometer in heavy glare from the snow is any indication..."

"Wow."

"So, snipe Canada?"

"Who's he?"

"I... _think_ he's on the American continent. Not sure, though."

"I... think I remember. Looks a bit like America? Polar bear?"

"Yes. So, snipe or no snipe?"

"Snipe. Infinately easier."

…

Canada had received a letter from Prussia informing him that he'd been selected to run the place with Prussia, and to do so, the terrorists would first have to kill him.

What amazed him most was the fact that _someone had remembered him_. The fact was enough to bring tears to his eyes.

A bullet hit him.

…

"Nice shot", Switzerland commented.

"Thank you."

A moment's silence. Switzerland broke it. "You know, we just killed someone. Shouldn't we... I don't know... Honor him?"

"_Ich hatt' einen Kameraden?_"

"No... Not really that mood..."

"What then?"

"_Vita brevis breviter in brevi finietur, _ _Mors venit velociter quae neminem veretur_, _Omnia mors perimit et nulli miseretur._ _Ad mortem festinamus peccare desistamus._

"Do you truly feel that sad?" Finland asked, now concerned, trying to shake off Switzerland's singing. It had been... Beautiful would have been an understatement. He damned his lack of English vocabulary and the lack of one-to-one correspondence between Finnish and English. That had been, in his mind at least, the perfect example of _haikea_, sad and distant yet beautiful.

"It... Fit the mood. We were mock-killing a fellow nation of ours, after all."

* * *

A/N: Yes, I actually researched the rifle stuff.

Sako TRG-42: fires .338 Lapuas, can have a range of a mile in the right hands, 5 or 10 round magazine. Finnish, also used by at least the Swiss Army (according to snipercentral).

Tikka T3 Tactical: .308 ammo, cheaper than the Sako, 4 to 6 round magazine. Also Finnish.

SIG SG 550 (Sturmgewehr 550): Used by the Swiss Army, range 100 to 400m

Rynnäkkökivääri 62: Used by the Finnish military.

Swissy's singing a _memento mori_, translated here:

Life is short, and shortly it will end; Death comes quickly and respects no one, Death destroys everything and takes pity on no one. To death we are hastening, let us refrain from sinning.

Ich hatt' einen Kameraden is a German military lament, known in english either as I had a comrade or The good comrade. Has a Wikipedia page (Ich_hatt'_einen_Kameraden).


	3. The Plot Thickens A Bit

A/N: Yes, I _have_ been working on this... not.

Oh, and this is the dialogue-and-suspense part aka Phase I. The actual action comes in Phase II.

"CANADA'S DEAD!" America yelled as he burst into the breakfast hall.

"Who?" was the collective reply from everyone except England (who was beating his head on the wall trying to remember who Canada was) and France (who'd raised his eyebrows and sipped more wine).

"My brother! My hat!"

"How?" France asked as England, having remembered who Canada was, stopped beating his head on the wall.

"He left a note saying that he'd been killed by the terrorists and was going to help co-ordinate stuff with Prussia!"

"So my brother's getting someone to help him organise stuff?"

"Yeah, I guess."

At that moment, obnoxiously loud trumpet music began pouring out of loudspeakers Prussia had hidden in the room. Everyone clapped their hands to their ears.

After the obnoxious trumpet roll, Canada started speaking. "This is Canada! You have until tomorrow to formulate your theories on who killed me. Then you shall hold a conference – at noon – to decide who you will hold responsible for the terrorist attack and then kill them. Note: one person only. I was using "they" to be politically correct."

…

"Okay, Allied Forces Meeting Number 10,377,725 is being called to order by THE HERO!"

"Okay, okay, git, we get it. Now, who are the terrorists?"

"They knew about this Canada's existance, da? I seem to recall the only people to do so were America and France", Russia offered, momentarily not emitting a completely terrifying aura.

"Shouldn't we also think about what if the "terrorists" were told who to kill? Perhaps even how", France defended himself.

"Frog actually has a point, for once. They wouldn't kill someone as obscure as Canada as their first hit, unless they were really, really stupid. And while both of our current suspects, quite frankly, _are_ that dumb, I doubt their partner could reach such colossal levels of stupidity."

"I actually agree with you ahen!"

"So, who did it?"

"It was Germany, that Nazi bastard!"

England massaged his temples. "That was over half a century ago."

"Mes amis! Prussia got to pick who the terrorists are-"

"-so we have to think like Prussia", Russia concluded France's statement. "If I were picking, I'd choose someone not all that obvious that I knew could do it. Like Belarus or Switzerland."

"I dunno, Swissypoo's a bit too obvious."

"'_Swissypoo_'? You dating or what?"

"Nah, relax, ole Eyebrows. I just can't be bothered to say 'Switzerland'."

"I HAVE AN ACTUAL NAME IN CASE YOU-"

"Stop arguing aru!"

"Now back to topic. France, could you please get some paper and write down our list of suspects?"

"Oui, Russie!"

"So far, Belarus, and Switzerland with a question mark next to him. Anyone else?"

England whipped out a list of nations present. "North Italy? I'd say no. Same for Germany, Prussia wouldn't want his little brother in danger. Japan?"

"Not nowadays ahen."

"Then there's us five – let's skip that section for the time being. Belgium and the Netherlands?"

"I am ze closest -"

"Drop the accent, frog."

France let out a puff of air, then continued: "I am the closest, so I'll answer. Belgium actually does know how to handle a gun, but I doubt Prussia knows this, so no. The Netherlands is more of a fighting type person, and I can be reasonably certain that Prussia knows this, so write it down."

"Austria and Hungary?"

"Austria? No way in hell", came the chorus of voices back. Russia continued, "But Prussia knows that Hungary is quite a fighter, so we better write her down too, da?"

"Yes. Now, Liechtenstein, Poland and Switzerland."

"We already wrote down Swissypoo, 'nope' for Liechtenstein – too shy – and for Polsky, Prussia hates him, so … a rather definate 'maybe'."

"Are we writing him down or not aru!"

"Umm... Yeah! Write him down!"

"Okay. Belarus is already written down. Latvia and Lithuania?"

"I'll answer, da? Latvia isn't the type, and Lithuania wouldn't be able to, he likes everyone too much."

"Estonia and Ukraine?"

"Estonia maybe, he is rather sharp, and I think Prussia would know this. My sister is too much of a crybaby to kill anyone."

"The five Nordics?"

"Finland has been a part of me, so I'll start with him, da? Prussia probably thinks he's a big softy, and so wouldn't pick him. However, when it comes to warfare, he's actually a bit of a miracle-boy and very good at sniping." Russia then proceeded to shudder.

"I shall continue now. Denmark is lacking in the intelligence and finesse departments. He would probably just unthinkingly tell everyone he's a terrorist. No.

"Iceland... I doubt Prussia knows enough about him to consider him pickable. Frankly, the only thing _I_ know is that he's dating Liechtenstein."

"So no write. And I'm betting five pounds that Switzerland will come up and present some twisted logic to explain why Iceland is a terrorist – just to keep him from 'corrupting' Liechtenstein. Anyway, how about Norway and Sweden?"

"I doubt Prussia knows them, so we shouldn't write them down yet."

"Egypt, Greece, Monaco, Turkey, Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus, Romano, Spain?"

"Turkey yes, the others, _non_. Well, Romano maybe, but I doubt it."

"Hong Kong, Taiwan, Korea?"

"I seriously doubt that Hong is attending – he wouldn't bother – and Prussia doesn't know him aru. Same problem for Taiwan and Korea, Prussia doesn't know them aru."

"Canada's 'dead', Cuba?"

"THE GUY'S AN EVIL COMMIE BASTARD!"

"Amerique, the idea is to _not_ deafen those next to you!"

"Sealand, Wy, Seborga? Well, Sealand's an annoying jerk who couldn't accomplish anything, so..."

"Seborga is like Italy, and Wy is the kind of joyful artist soul who couldn't kill."

"All right, we're done. France, mind reading the list?"

"Belarus, Switzerland, the Netherlands, Hungary, Poland, Estonia and Turkey. I say we cross out Poland and Estonia."

"That leaves five – good enough for the poll, seeing as the Extended Axis Powers, Neutral Nations and Miscellaneous Nations that Didn't Fit will probably produce lists with some overlap."

"'Extended Axis Powers'?"

"Hungary, Japan, the Italies, Germany, Finland and Austria. Neutral Nations are Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Spain, the Netherlands Monaco and Belgium. Everyone else is in Miscellaneous."


	4. Minority Report

Chapter four has arrived!

And just for you guys, I really appreciate it when you review, it makes me go all gooey inside. However, I'm really bad at replying to rewiews (read: can't be bothered to/too busy melting with happiness to) so I generally don't reply. I do read them and squee at them, though.

* * *

"CANADA! YOU CAME BACK!" America yelled, launching himself at the aforementioned brother.

"Only to collect who you deem guilty", Canada said, stepping to the side, which resulted in the personification of the United States of America making a rather unimpressive faceplant.

"All right! This meeting is now in order!" Germany yelled: "Has anyone got any suggestions?"

Switzerland stood up. "I propose we execute Iceland. He is relatively obscure, so Prussia could pick him without fear of him being too obvious. However, the other Nordics – who Prussia hangs around with a fair bit – know that Iceland has quite a fiery temper, and from what I've heard, he can use a gun rather well. Iceland, have you got anything to say?"

"I always find your bizarre manglings of logic highly entertaining."

"America, you now officially owe me five pounds", England commented from the side.

"That was completely beside the point! You-"

"_Any other potential culprits?_" Germany interrupted the brewing argument.

England whipped out the list from the Allies' earlier meeting. "Belarus, Switzerland, the Netherlands, Hungary and Turkey."

Finland stood up and announced: "The _Extended_ Axis Powers add only Russia to the list." He then sat back down.

"All right. Now, any counterarguments?"

"Belarus can testify that I was in my room whimpering at her attempts to break down my door", Russia hurriedly said.

"For all we know, you could be, like, the terrorist duo! We, like, y'know, need at least _two_ testimonials to rule ya out", Poland spoke.

"Have you forgotten what Belarus is like towards me? She'd probably be too busy trying to marry or molest me to get anything done."

"No, but you could have, like, just told her that if she performs perfectly, she, like, gets to marry you at the end!"

"Moving on! Counterarguments for Switzerland!"

"I did not kill … whoever was killed. If, by some miracle, you were to demonstrably prove that I killed him, I would give every single one of you an all-expenses paid trip to wherever you wanted to."

"All right, I think that clears it up … The Netherlands?"

"You called?"

"You are accused of muder."

"What? Nope, didn't do it", he said, "Oh and you – no, you, the young chick next to Switzerland – I want you in my room after this-"

At that point Switzerland demonstrated his awesome ninja viking skills by grabbing the chair he was sitting on, and leaping over to where the Netherlands was in a high arc whilst yelling "Kyaiii-!". The next fifteen minutes were spent prying off a murderous Switzerland from a rather shocked Netherlands. Apparently, he hadn't paid any attention to Switzerland. Ever. On a positive side note, Hungary got several epic photographs of Switzerland's leap of sheer awesome.

"Maple! People, the time is up! I'll remove the only person that didn't get any counterarguments. Iceland, come!"

Even Switzerland looked shocked.

…

That evening, at 22:00 sharp, on the roof, the terrorists met again.

"They're already on my trail", Switzerland said, then continued haltingly, "I suggest the next target to be … Liechtenstein."

"Hm. Good idea. I propose we stage Belarus. Though … Do you think you're a good enough actor to pull it off successfully?"

"What? The aftermath? I- I can try."

"Then let's get to work."

The duo then trod off, followed by a translucent Canada.

At Liechtenstein's window, Canada finally managed to catch their attention, and told them he was here to pick up the "corpse".

…

Liechtenstein had been reading in her chair when she felt someone lay his hands softly on her shoulders.

"Bruder?" No reply. "Ich verstehe."

The hands on her shoulders started shaking. She closed her book and put it on the desk.

Finland appeared in the corner of her eye, most likely holding a comforting hand on her brother's shoulder. In his other hand, however, was a knife.

Her brother stopped trembling. In one of his very own thick dialects of German he said to her: "T- think of it this way: Y-you g-get to be with I-Iceland." He then started trembling again and sobbing audibly.

Then there was a blade being plunged into her throat, and the world went black.

…

"WHERE IS LIECHTENSTEIN?" Switzerland demanded as he burst into the hall. He was answered only by dreading gazes until the megaphone spoke: "This is the awesomeness that is Prussia speaking. We regretfully announce that the terrorists cut Liechtenstein's throat last night. The blade has not yet been found."

The whole room stood still for a moment. Then Switzerland slowly turned towards Belarus, hate and hurt and sorrow burning in his eyes.

Again he leapt as if he were a ninja viking, again he screamed. Now he didn't have a chair, now there were tears in his eyes, tears that, unknown to the others, were tears of guilt, not sorrow. Shame, not hate.

After some minutes of trying, Belgium managed to pry him off Belarus. He collapsed against her, head in the crook of his neck, and cried.

* * *

Because apparently the minor characters have never met each other. And Switzerland is actually a long-lost son of Denmark or somethin'. And I _really_ enjoy sending my characters on angst-trips. Especially Swissypoo. D'aww, please pet him or something.

Don't worry, no angst for phase 2!


	5. Beginning's End

Sorry, I had to complete a presentation on scientology for school.

* * *

"All right! Extended Axis Powers Democratic People's Republic of Awesome Anti-Terrorist Whodunnit meeting Two is now _in session_. That means _no_ pasta-related comments. Am I clear?" Germany bellowed.

"Easy for you to say!" Austria said melodramatically, "You aren't the one who's been cruelly seperated from his One True Love for almost a week!"

"...you are _not_ talking about your piano."

"I AM!"

After that, Germany and Austria had a very long, heated argument about the morality of being pianosexual while Italy cooked pasta, Japan and Hungary discussed yaoi and Finland duly wrote down "Belarus" as the suggestion for exile.

…

"Kay guys, whatcha suggesting?"

"Belarus."

"Kay. Any other suggestions? Hey, Fin, where're Germany and Austria?"

"Germany is bashing his head on a wall and Austria is suffering from piano withdrawal."

"Oh. Well, any other suggestions apart from Belarus?"

What followed was a general shaking of heads.

"Kay. Canuckistan, take away Belarus!"

Muttering something about him not being "Canuckistan", Canada dragged Belarus away to Prussia's hideyhole.

…

Switzerland was cute. Especially when he cried, and Belgium couldn't help but hope that he'd gone for her shoulder to cry on on purpoise. She couldn't help but feel like her (so far unrequieted) love was being returned.

All of which was why she was now pestering Switzerland whilst he was walking down one of the rather large building's corridors. (One which didn't have very many doors on it and didn't seem to lead anywhere, but maybe he was just lost. Or something.)

"Switzerland? What do you think of me?"

"You're less obnoxious than your neighbors", he said brusquely.

"Nothing else?"

"You're also the heartland of the European Union, which I hate with a passion, and gave up your neutrality to join NATO. Now _get lost_."

Not phased in the least, Belgium said, "I think you're cute, what with those guns of yours and all~"

"In that case, leave the chocolate monopoly to me."

"You know how I feel about monopolies, Lindt. Besides, they drive the prices up."

"I may have a number of chocolate manufacturers, including Lindt-Sprüngli, but in no way am I chocolate, so _don't call me that_!"

"Okay, SIG Sauer P226."

"While thet may be more appropriate, I am not a handgun."

"Prince Charming?" Belgium asked hopefully.

"I have no royal family."

"I see", Belgium said, and broke into a run, oblivious to Switzerland's order for her to stop due to the tears now running down her face. She was vaguely aware of turning a corner-

-and then someone shot her.

"WTF?"

"You sorta walked in on a terrorist meeting", Canada said.

Turning the corner, Switzerland said: "You 'killed' her? … Good."

Putting two and two together, Belgium asked: "So... You're a terrorist. Was that why you were so … rude?"

"In other words, she was attempting to flirt with you and you turned her down rather rudely", Finland explained.

"You were _flirting_ with me?" Switzerland asked, surprised. Finland, Canada and Belgium facepalmed. "Am I that bad?"

He was answered by three nods. "But I, uh, you know, still like you", Belgium said with a blush.

"Please note that in this context, 'like' means '_like_ like', in other words 'love'."

"Oh! Well, um, I kinda like you too..." Switzerland said with a luminescent blush.

"Aww, you're _so_ cute like that~!"

Switzerland blushed harder.

"Sorry to interrupt the moment, but who are we going to frame for this?"

"No need, Prussia'll be triggering Phase II tomorrow evening, and you'll be coming to Awesomeness HQ."

"To slack off?"

"To ensure that nobody gets murdered", Canada said, then glanced at Switzerland and Belgium, now holding hands and engaging in synchronated blushing and puppy eyes. He sighed. "Look, sorry you two, but Belgium needs to come with me. You'll meet tomorrow, or at latest the day after, okay?"

Rather reluctantly the two lovebirds as-of-now let go of each others' hands and waved each other goodbye, blushing.

_Next time, I'm taking a camera_, Finland thought, _The joys of having blackmail material._

* * *

I'll be starting Phase Two in the next chapter, hopefully.

Short!chapter is short.

Pairings as of now:  
Iceland & Liechtenstein  
Switzerland & Belgium  
(implied) Prussia & Canada  
(hinted-at) USUK  
(comradely) Finland & Switzerland

Don't worry, everyone else will get a larger POV in Phase II!


	6. Middle Parts

Short!chapter was short, here's the next one:

* * *

"Where's Belgium?" asked the Netherlands, looking around in the dinner hall.

In response, Prussia's voice boomed over the loudspeakers, saying: "She was shot by the terrorists." (The Netherlands gave a huge NOOO!) "Oh, and you lot won't need to hold a death trial, Phase II is starting! Further instructions will be delivered into your rooms at nightfall."

…

After an agonizing day having to deal with idiots and a further ten minutes waiting for everyone to have gotten their letters (five-page, double, sided, and no tl;dr whatsoever) plus uniforms, Switzerland was ready to blow up the building. Thankfully he'd managed not to yet, and was now following Canada as he and Finland were being transferred to "administrative" positions in the DePRA. Then it hit him.

"Look, I'll be back in a minute", he said, then opened the nearest door (they were still in the rooming section), unslung his rifle, and shot the occupant – who happened to be the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus.

As an answer to Canada and Finland's questioning looks, he said: "I didn't get to shoot anyone", drangging TRNC by the arm.

…

As the first thing he did, America ripped open the package that came with the letter he'd received. Inside was a muddy green uniform, rather like the one England wore most of the time.

After putting on the uniform, he looked at the letter.

"Congratulations America!  
"You are a member of the Green Army®. Your uniform is in the package that comes with.  
"The Green Army® rally point is the tall, red building to the left of the exit. A map follows. You are the co-leader (along with Russia). You may not pursue any hostile actions against the Blue Army® until you have assembled at the rally point.  
"The rally point has a list of all Green Army® members, weapons for everyone and plenty of ammo. Please note that the members are organized into tag teams of two. Your partner is: Russia, and your Tag Team name is: Drunk. Have a nice day.  
"Sincerely, Prussia, president of the Democratic People's Republic of Awesome."

"Nooooooo..." America moaned. A tag team. With _Russia_. Mental note: _kill_ Prussia.

…

"All right! Blue Army meeting number one is now in session! England, read the member list!"

"Tag team 'Fanatic': Germany, England. Co-leaders. Both of us are present. Tag team 'Axis': Austria, Veneziano."

"Veh~ We're here!"

"Continuing. Tag team 'Energy': Latvia, Norway."

Norway did his best at glaring at both Latvia and England at the same time.

"Continuing. Tag team 'Innovate': Estonia, Turkey?"

"We're here."

"All right, everyone's present."

"That few? How are we supposed to fight an eight-by-eight war?" Austria spluttered (aristocratically).

"Well, not that many people signed up for this outside of Europe, y'know. And some people are dead..." Estonia rationalized.

"I wonder who the terrorists were", Turkey said.

"Well, none of us, none of the civvies, no-one from the other army, which leaves the people who we expelled – Belarus and Iceland – plus probably a few outliers", Norway said.

"All right comrades! Let's go and attack the Green Army!"

"_Comrades?_ Look, _Deutschland_, who do you think we are, members of the communist party?"

"Well, sorry, but in my language 'comrade' does not equate to 'member of the communist party', fascist."

"Look who's talking."

"That was _decades_ ago, faggot!"

"Stop confusing me for France! Besides, in accordance to sexuality non-discrimination laws, you shouldn't use that insult, Nazi bastard."

"Don't you _dare_ correct me, eyebrows!"

What followed was England beating up Germany in a humongous Curb Stomp Battle and Austria having an heart attack after his glasses were knocked off the vertical axis by three four hundred and fifty-thirds of a millimeter.

…

Meanwhile at DePRA HQ, Iceland and Liechtenstein were trying very hard not to laugh at how awkward Switzerland and Belgium looked on their "date", Finland scolding them because they were failing, Belarus trolling the corridors, TRNC sulking in his quarters, and Canada running around in a kilt, as per Prussia's orders.

…

"Hey! Shut up, the hero's speaking!"

"Look, darlings, I know you've fought more wars together than me and England, but could you _please_ refrain from arguing?"

Russia made "kolkolkolkol" sounds from the corner.

"Okay? Well, me and Russia are the leaders! We're also tag team Drunk, which is a completely unheroic name, but we all know Prussia's unheroic so we'll just have to let it pass. Sweden and Denmark, you are team It's Complicated. Please hold off your urge to kill each other-"

"Actually, it's more like 'Hold off your desire to fuck eachother', 'cause we get horny after a nice, good war- Hey!" Denmark yelped after Sweden slapped him.

"Does this mean I get Finland all for myself, Sweden?" Russia asked in a deceptively sweet voice.

"Hey! Sweden, you of all people have been cheating on your self-appointed _wife_?"

Sweden grunted unclearly.

"Finsky doesn't mind. Actually, he videos us, uh, doing it. Deffo related to Hungary all right!"

"'Finsky'?"

"'Finny' sounds like the Finnish word for 'zit', apparently."

"Okay. Let's continue! Ukraine and Hungary are team Glory, France and China are team Hyper. Now let's go attack the Blue Army!"

"What's the plan, America?" Hungary asked.

"France and China, you surrender without a fight. Ukraine and Hungary, you back me up. For Sweden and Denmark befalls the difficult task of backing me up. Russia, you go in suicidal."

The response from everyone was a rather loud "I object to that!"

"Well, I'm the hero, so _nyah!_"

Russia ripped a piece of piping from the wall and hit America on the head with it ("Owww! That _hurt_, Commie bastard!")

"Better plan: let's just go in and try to surround them. Maybe then we can defeat them with our skillz at utilising seemingly harmless household items to kill people", Hungary suggested.

Eventually, they settled on Hungary's plan.

* * *

A/N: This is turning more humorous by the minute. Perhaps I should just give up after this and stick to crack, no? Anyway, I'm currently plotting a SF AU thingy with the Cold War analogue a-raging. We shall see whether it'll go anywhere. I've also got half a mind to resurrect Swiss Crack. Reviews, support and suggestions would be very much appreciated, as always.

And the story part has exactly 1030 words, people. Woohoo!


	7. The End is Nigh

Again, sorry for the delay. Oh, and I absolutely refuse to give out any 'coming soon' pairings – they don't.

And just to bump up the word count, I do not own Hetalia. (It should be obvious to anyone who has two brain cells to rub together.)

Short!chapter is short.

* * *

"Sssh! Don't laugh!" Lithuania whispered urgently to Poland.

"I can't! It's, like, so totally funny that the armies are, y'know, circling this building whose roof we're, like, on. And so totally not seeing each other. They'll be, like, getting dizzy soon!"

"Still! You don't want to get shot, do you?"

The only response Lithuania got was another fit of laughter as both armies reversed direction at the exact same instant.

…

Meanwhile, Switzerland and Belgium were hugging awkwardly. Iceland and Liechtenstein were still laughing, Finland was still telling the two of them off for spying, Belarus was still trolling around and TRNC was still sulking. Canada, however, had changed back into trousers, and was now giving Prussia a massage. If Hungary had been there, she most likely would have used up the memory card on her camara, but alas, she was not. (Which was actually pretty good for the cleaning staff, seeing as bloodstains are bitches to get off.)

…

"Look, guys, we've been circling this building for four hours now", Estonia said, "shouldn't we give up or go someplace else?"

"No! You must complete the training exercise!"

"Erm, how about we pause before anyone dies of heat exhaustion?" Norway suggested. After some discussion, Germany agreed.

In the end, they didn't get much rest, as the Green Army marched into view.

"Ha! There they are! I _knew_ that marching around the building would lure them out!" America yelled.

"For _four hours_?" France complained.

"Wha- wait. You've been marching around this building for four hours too?" Germany asked, stunned.

"EPIC FAIL!" Poland and Lithuania yelled at the top of their lungs from the building's roof.

The armies then proceeded to stand slack-jawed in silence for at least a quarter of an hour, before finally attacking each other. Despite (or perhaps because of) the build-up, the only person who really got hurt was France, who had his hair pulled by Latvia.

…

Meanwhile, Switzerland and Belgium had progressed to very awkward almost-kissing, Finland was taking photographs, Iceland and Liechtenstein had disappeared into a closet, Belarus was singing the "trololololol" song, because apparently it reminded her of Russia, TRNC was reading, and Prussia had made it his mission to teach Canada the female part in waltz.

…

"FRANCE! No molesting people unless I have my camera with!" Hungary yelled.

"But America's just too cute not to molest~"

"If you continue molesting my partner, I shall give you a taste of Soviet order, da?"

"Hey! I'm totally not sleeping with you, Commie bastard!"

"Honhonhon, in denial? Well, we'll just have to fix that and let _l'amour_ fly loose, oui?"

"Pruuussiaaaa, whyyyy diiid youuu haaave to take my cameraaaaaaaaaa!" Hungary yelled at the top of her lungs.

Ukraine started crying.

"Sverige?" Denmark asked Sweden, watching the others argue loudly, "I'm feeling horny just from watching them argue..." He smiled seductively and turned to face Sweden. The other nation responded by kissing him.

…

_Five minutes later_

"It's not like we could've known she would die of a nosebleed!" Denmark objected.

Ukraine still bawled in the background, despite Russia's best attempts to comfort her.

"You knew she was a yaoi fan aru!"

"Still, a nosebleed _that_ explosive?"

"'nd w' j'st k'ssd. N' s'x."

"_Still._ It's Hungary, y'know, she's prone to that stuff", America scolded Sweden and Denmark.

Russia was stunned. "America... I- I don't know how to say this, but... I didn't know you had two brain cells to rub against each other."

At that, America let out a yell that sounded like the bastard child of "kyaarrrghhh" and "Commie bastard!" and attacked Russia.

* * *

A/N: Note how I have no idea how to continue this? (Don't worry, it will be continued!)

Also, please please _please_ read Espatier. I'm going to end this within two chapters (unless my plans go to hell, like they tend to) and then finish Espatier before moving on to any new multi-parters. (Though if you have any wishes/suggestions for one-shots, I'll see what I can do. Or I'll just continue to jot down whatever comes to mind.)


	8. There Was No Plot To Begin With

Sorry for the delay, my muses went on strike since the weather was so good, since they're, y'know, _French_. I have yet to find a German or British muse as a backup.

**My word processor runs on reviews.**

* * *

"Are they ever going to get past the holding hands and blushing awkwardly stage?" Liechtenstein wondered.

"Ssh!" Iceland hissed as the couple they were spying on almost turned their way. "And it's gonna happen, but not soon."

Both of them "D'aww"ed when Switzerland and Belgium leaned a millimeter closer to each other.

(*)

" … Wait- did America and Russia just kill each other?" Denmark asked.

"'T s'ms s'", Sweden replied.

Ukraine bawled in the background. China stood slack-jawed. France gaped at the corpses.

(*)

" … Wait- did Ukraine just die of dehydration due to crying so much?" Denmark asked.

"'T s'ms s'", Sweden replied.

China stood slack-jawed. France gaped at the corpses.

(*)

" … Wait- did China just die of a dislocated jawbone?" Denmark asked.

"'T s'ms s'", Sweden replied.

France gaped at the corpses.

(*)

" … Wait- did France just die from too much gaping?" Denmark asked.

"T' s'ms s'", Sweden replied.

(*)

"Umm… Sweden…"

"Y's D'nm'rk?"

"All these corpses are making me feel horny…"

"M' t'. W'nt t' f'ck?"

"Hell yeah!"

At that moment, Hungary came back from the dead to take photographs.

(*)

"My Awesomeness is **bored!**" Prussia yelled.

"On a side note, the last members of the Green Army fell victims to Death By Sex", Canada said.

"That sounds like an awesome way to die."

"Prussia, have you ever visited TV Tropes? They died horribly after having sex in an attempt by the heavily conservative Moral Guardians to shoehorn in a Stock Aesop about Sex Is Evil with a good dose of Bury Your Gays. Now I shall have to stop my litany before I become Dangerously Genre Savvy."

"Canada?"

"Yes?"

"You're awesome."

(*)

"So, what happened?" England asked.

"The Green Army practically self-destructed", Prussia explained.

"Who were the terrorists?" America asked.

Finland and Switzerland stood up.

"HEY! Didn't Switzerland say that he'd give all of us an all-expenses paid trip to wherever he wanted if he turned out to be a terrorist?" America yelled from across the conference room.

Switzerland sighed before saying, "My exact words were: 'I did not kill … whoever was killed. If, by some miracle, you were to demonstrably prove that I killed him, I would give every single one of you an all-expenses paid trip to wherever you wanted to.' And all credit for Canada's death – ordered by Prussia, by the way – goes to Finland."

"Fuck. I was expecting a trip to the Bahamas", America huffed and sat back down.

"Language!" England yelled.

Everything was back to normal.

* * *

OKAY, THIS STORY IS NOW OFFICIALLY **OVER**. Have a nice week-end, and don't forget to drop a review.


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